I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
