Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
