just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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