I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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