oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
