dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
