Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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