I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
