I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
