If i could tip my vagina, i would.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
