apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
