if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
