how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I AM VODKA MAN
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
