I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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