While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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