If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
