My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
