She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
