I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
