Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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