the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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