the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
40s are totally the cure
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
