Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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