I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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