Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
