Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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