I puked a lego.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize