I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
