dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
