guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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