Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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