he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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