the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
