Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
