just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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