never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
