Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This is my gift to your gina
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
