I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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