This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
