i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
