How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
