I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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