So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Need sex. Gaining weight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
