I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
