I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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