I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
