phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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