I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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