I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
