so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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