You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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